want no waiting
guilty guess work
loathing locked in
want no waiting
guilty guess work
loathing locked in
As I lay awake
With my head on the pillow
I recount the day and think
about people I know and
have known. I think about
my many blessings and
how time seals the gap
how it heals the hole
in your middle.
Feeling helpless is a result
of loving so much – the fear
of losing so much.
Pray instead. Fall asleep in His arms.
As I said in a prior post, thoughts have been swirling around me and the people appear to be acrobats dangling by a thread. Maybe it’s just me getting older and worrying more about things, but every day brings a new challenge and something else to pray about. I don’t think there’s been a night this week I haven’t gone to bed “in God‘s arms.” Falling asleep praying is something I used to feel guilty about, but have since realized we are just tucked safely in His arms. I wish I could tuck each and every person I’ve heard about over the past several weeks safely in God’s arms, but it is not to be. Prayer will have to do.
It seems as though terrible tragedies like the storm on the East coast and other people near and far I have encountered seem to be living with serious health problems. I wish I could reach out to each and every person and give just an ounce of encouragement. I must sit back, as we all do, and leave it to God. It’s difficult to send your children to school in a world of such uncertainty. Nothing is certain though is it?
mindless mind trip
out of control
need less excess
no body knows
where it will
stop and where
it will go
mind on a free fall
doing all of this
has my body shaking
He was alright when I left.
It only happened once.
That’s the diagnosis.
It’s a sickness – a disease
They seem to kick the habit
but it keeps on coming back
It’s a horror. It’s a sickness
It’s a shame to be so weak.
I have been in deep reflection over the past couple of weeks over several topics. There are a number of people in trouble swirling around me and they seem to be dangling by a thread. Let me start by saying I have always been easy to talk to so I have been a sounding board for all types of issues. Maybe one reason is it’s so easy to get in touch these days with the different types of social media.
Let me first say this topic disgusts me, but I see how some people can make choices and get themselves into situations that are very dangerous. The choices seem to multiply and before long there seems to be no way out. I am here to tell you there is a way out. You may be too proud to admit it but are you or someone close to you living scared?
So let me be blunt. What is it about men hitting women and pushing them around? In the last couple of weeks I have been educated on this issue through a girlfriend of an old friend. It’s a long story, but when women are more concerned about men cheating on them than them hitting them in the face something is desperately wrong.
I am ashamed to admit staying in relationships due to circumstances and maybe this is no different, but this woman is a self-sufficient woman who owns her own home. He is essentially living there. No more than a guest. She’s contemplating marriage if you can believe it. But she wants to make double sure he’s not cheating on her. She doesn’t want advice on the hitting part, just if he’s been “hitting on” anyone else. Couldn’t resist the inappropriate pun. Can you weigh in on this? I know she’s not the only one going through this in the world. What is this behavior about and how do people get to this point?
I decided to “opt out” of the situation and not be involved, even as a sounding board for the woman. Did I make the right decision? I did make myself clear the real issue is the violence not the cheating. How does this story make you feel?
Perhaps this is a normal day for you. You do all the things you ordinarily do and feel – nothing’s different. You feel no better. You feel no worse. I wonder why? Living without living is no way to live your life. I have what I like to call my “inner tantrum”. When things aren’t going my way and they usually aren’t, my inner tantrum comes out and sometimes I can’t get out of it. It’s a stuck place where nothing seems to go right and things keep getting worse and worse. Need I say this is an anxious time for me.
I just finished reading an article in September’s Yoga Journal that is entitled “Untangling Anxiety”. Of course, I was intrigued to see what a Yoga expert would say about my inner tantrum (anxiety). My anxiety is like a security blanket for me. I’m so used to it, I believe it has become a comfort. So, if self-talk won’t help, what do you do? Perhaps you’ve heard of the “tighten/release” soother for anxiety. You breathe in as you tighten and squeeze all your muscles and exhale and release the contractions. This works for some, but not for me so much. Other ways are dancing or taking a bath to soothe yourself. These methods also do not work for me. I carry tension in my shoulders, particularly my right shoulder blade. What can I do to soothe those muscles and tame that inner tantrum?
What is the difference between anxiety and diligence? Doesn’t anxiety keep us on our toes and help us not to forget those important things we must do? Since the “inner tantrum” has become a ritual we cannot seem to get away from we must first admit we have this anxiety and we want to rid ourselves of it.
One day, perhaps, you might notice that what you have perceived as anxiety is, at its core, just pure energy.
Good news! We have the choice to experience the anxiety as an inner tantrum or excitement such as a feeling of being ready for action. This energy could begin the growth we so desperately seek.
So to recap:
This practice takes practice and you have to give yourself over to this new way of thinking for the method to possibly work. I, for one, think I will give it a try.
If you’d like to read the article it is in the September issue of Yoga Journal and written by Sally Kempton, an internationally recognized teacher of meditation and yoga philosophy. She is also the author of Meditation for the Love of It. Visit her at sallykempton.com.
Who? – Me
What? – Things I want to do
Where? – Everywhere
When? – ASAP
Why? – Because I think it would make me happy
How? – Pull the trigger and do them
1. Want to hike on the Appalachian Trail
2. Want to rock climb or begin rock climbing
3. Want to skydive out of an airplane
4. Want to do Pilates with a real Pilates instructor on a Reformer
5. Want to attend church and Sunday school regularly
6. Want to join a Contemplative Prayer group
7. Want to travel everywhere
8. Get a good attitude full time
9. Want to become certified fitness trainer or Pilates instructor
10. Want to own my own book store/art gallery
Here’a my Want list. What’s are your wants? and why? I’m sure there are more, but these are what come to mind right now.
Gardening just makes me feel better. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Gardening has long been a pastime for managing stress and giving people a sense of being. The gardens I plant each year are just that – therapy.
This year I planted everything later than usual due to busy schedules. Here’s what we have?
One other area I have is herbs where there is:
On the porch we have two flower boxes we put out and a basket with ferns. I like to experiment with different types of ferns:
Here are my crazy cacti:
This poem and some others I will post in the coming days are things I wrote over ten years ago. They are a small part of an unpublished anthology entitled “When I find Me, Will I Like Me?”
I hope you like them.
I need an inspiration and a lot less frustration.
I feel I’m all tied in knots,
like an animal who’s been caught.
My muscles are all tense.
I need something to look forward to,
not something to run away from.
I want to do for me what I’ve always done
I’ve neglected my needs for too long.
I was on my way, but got off the beaten path.
How do I continue this transformation?
Do I need a vacation?
Or would that just be a temporary sensation?
I once had this notion that like a magic potion
growing up would be the beginning
of all the best to come.
Instead what I’ve found
is being naive is not an excuse.
Problems are not solved by circumstance
or by romance, or even by chance.
They are solved from within your soul.
You have to make things happen.
Don’t stand still.
Remember – Targets stand still.